I don’t know how many days I’ve been out of my antidepressants but I think I’m being affected by it. Or is it just my imagination? I was only on it for about 2 months, maybe that’s not enough to have withdrawl. But right now my hands are tingling and I keep twitching and I’m nauseous and can’t think straight. My head keeps having these sharp pains. Typing is a little more difficult. Maybe I’m just having another panic attack? Or another seizure?

That’s the part that annoys me when I get like this, that I can never pinpoint just what’s going on. Should I just go to the hospital and see if they’ll give me medicine there?

Note to self- being without medication sucks. Do not run out again. Always make sure you have refills.

Maybe I really should just go to the emergency room. I don’t know how long I can keep waiting these things out. The 4th feels like an eternity away and I REALLY need some help with this depression, or anxiety, or whatever is messing with my head this time.

I’m pissed off and anxious for so many reasons and I’m tired of just thinking about it and pulling my hair, so I’m gonna rant as much as I want here.

1) Doctors and therapists are pissing me off. First they say I have depression and anxiety, I’m having panic attacks. Next thing, oops, maybe I’m having seizures instead! It might even be a tumor! Now it’s back to ‘well, maybe it really is just anxiety’ again. No fucking wonder I’m anxious, I don’t even know what’s going on with me anymore. I’m able to feel okay most of the time during the day, but I still go through periods and hours where I’m just pissed off and upset. More than anything it’s become anger and frustration. Unless it’s my periodic crying in the shower. Fuck.

2) I have too much to do in too little time. I know I can do it. But there’s so much to do I don’t even want to start. I’m pissed off at myself for that. This is just another way to escape that work for a while more.

3) Family problems, never-ending family problems. I’m so tired of all this drama going on about my grandpa, all day every day. There’s never anything but problems here, and everyone is so on-edge it’s driving me to be more crazy than I already am. I don’t feel comfortable around him. Tonight he downright scared me. I want him to be gone, I want to regain the house to myself again— and that makes me feel terrible. Apparently he talks about me all the time, back when he was raising me as a little girl. I barely see him as the same person anymore. I feel so confused and hurt and angry and ashamed of myself, but I still can’t wait until he leaves. It makes me feel terrible to even type that.

4) So fucking pissed at my mom about being in contact with that guy again. What did she think I was going to feel when she told me? Happy? No shit I was pissed off. I never liked him, and she knew that, and she still acted the way she did. She constantly put him before me, and even admitted that she cared about him more than me, and that she would keep being stubborn. Some guy who she had just known FOR A FEW MONTHS became more important than me. Fucking lost all respect for her, and just when I was finally getting some back, she tells me he’s coming back. Fuck. That. And fuck that joke. “He’ll probably come around every once and a while, don’t you want to see me at least once per week?” Okay, so you’re gonna fucking move out with him and leave me, basically. Fuck. I can’t even put into words how pissed off and betrayed I feel. Fuck everything.

I don’t even want to type anymore, I’m so pissed, and I just want to escape from it all. Why the fuck can’t I ride back in a little time machine to when I was happy? Why can’t I magically forget everything that’s happened? I want to forget. I want to escape it. I want to stop feeling this way.

Maybe I’ll feel better after I get some of that work done. And then try to do some relaxation techniques. I can’t wait until I get to see my therapist again next week, she puts my head back on straight.

I want to throw up so badly, I feel so sick and upset. I know I shouldn’t but it would make me feel so much better.

I found a little note card in my purse from one of my past therapy sessions. She asked me to describe all the things I think about myself.

“Bad friend, no good ideas, not creative, overly dramatic, stupid, selfish, attention-seeking, not good enough, lazy”

Should probably also add “a terrible person” onto that. I’m supposed to be doing techniques to think more positively about myself but every time I read that list I just think of how true it is. Why does anyone even talk to me? I’m no fun, constantly dwelling on the past, and nothing about me is admirable. I don’t know how I deserve to have any of these nice friends, I feel like I’m just a waste of their time.

So apparently the things that I’ve been considering ‘anxiety’ attacks may have been seizures all along. Going in for an appointment to talk about it further on the 13th.

And on top of that I just feel pretty shitty, been a shitty day. Grandpa busted into my room while I was sleeping and started ranting about how my mom is going to throw me away and that I deserved it. Then my mom comes home to yell at him and proceeds to yell at me, then starts crying about how she feels like she’s loosing me. And then drops the bomb that her boyfriend is going to be permanently living with us, even though she said he would be moving out. I literally cannot stand that guy.

Jeez. It’s a good thing I’m all emotionally numbed up from my medicine. Gonna just hide alone in my room forever kk.